Dex's Diner
by Eridala
Summary: A Star Wars protest song as performed by Obi-Wan Kenobi. "You can get anything you want at Dex's Diner on Coruscant..."


Disclaimer: Star Wars and its characters belong to the Almighty George Lucas and Lucasfilm. "Alice's Restaurant" belongs to Arlo Guthrie. I mean no infringement and make no profit. This is for entertainment purposes only.

A/N: Ta-da! This is the first thing I've tried posting and the main reason I'm posting it first is to check format. So if _this_ is in italics and not, say, surrounded by brackets and the letter I, I'm good. This is a song parody of "Alice's Restaurant," which was a protest song in the sixties, and which is mostly spoken. If you don't know the song, it may be funny anyway, because it's also the events of AOTC from Obi-Wan's point of view. Enjoy!

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Dex's Diner

A Star Wars protest song as performed by Obi-Wan Kenobi

This song is called "Dex's Diner." It's about Dex. And the diner. Now, Dex's Diner is the name of the diner, and it's also the name of the song. And that's why I called the song "Dex's Diner."

(singing)

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

Walk right in, it's in Coco Town

Pass the CG offices and then look down

And you can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

Now it all started a long time ago, it was in a galaxy far, far away, when my padawan and I were called to protect Padmé Amidala on Coruscant. But Padmé doesn't live on Coruscant, she lives on a planet far from Coruscant, it's called Naboo, with her family and handmaidens and Artoo the droid.

And comin' back to Coruscant like that she had a decoy on the ship where she was supposed to be and, seein' as how Padmé wasn't on the ship, having replaced herself with the decoy, they thought that she'd be safe when they landed, or it seemed so at the time.

So the Naboo got there, they landed the ship out there, and someone thought it'd be a friendly gesture if they blew the ship into a million tiny pieces. So they blew up the Naboo Royal Cruiser and decoy and guards with implements of destruction, and we were called in to guard Padmé.

And when we got there, my padawan Anakin tried to flirt with Padmé, sayin', "You're beautiful for a Senator." Now, we had never guarded a Senate apartment before and so, with stars in our eyes, we stared off into the night sky and searched for a disturbance in the Force.

We didn't find one.

'Til an assassin droid came to her window, and there outside of the window was two-thousand-foot drop, and at the bottom of the drop was a permacrete street in traffic. Well, I decided that doin' something was better than doin' nothing, and rather than bring the droid in, I decided to just jump out.

That's what I did.  


Got shot off the droid into Anakin's speeder with an open top, chased the creep, and didn't lose him until the chase ended, when Anakin told me he went into a club.

Said, "Kid, I caught your lightsaber fallin' from the bottom of the bounty hunter's speeder, and... just wanted to know if you had any information about him."

And he said, "Yes sir, Master Obi-Wan, I don't think it's a guy... and I think she's a changeling."

After standin' with Anakin for about five minutes inside the club I cut the bounty hunter's arm off and told her that we knew what she had done and also that she needed to come out and have a word with us in the back alley. So she told us about the Naboo Royal Cruiser and decoy and guards and implements of destruction and we asked her who it was she was workin' for.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that changeling coulda done when we asked her that, and the first one was she coulda told us everything for bein' so brave and daring in the high-speed chase-- which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it-- and the other thing was she coulda cussed us out and told us never to be seen hangin' off droids in the Coruscant sky again-- which is what we expected. But when she started to give us an answer, there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon and she was shot in the neck with a toxic dart.

Reported it, and I said, "Masters, I don't think Anakin should go to Naboo with the Senator."

They said, "Shut up, kid. Go and track down this bounty hunter." And that's what I did, went to track down the bounty hunter by way of the quote, "Jedi Archives," unquote.

Now, friends, I wanna tell you about the Jedi Temple on Coruscant where this happened, here. They got one Archive and three research centers with one research droid, but when I got to the Jedi Archive it was one research center with three research droids, this bein' the weirdest thing in the last fifty years and everybody wanted to find out something about it.

And they were usin' up all kinds of fancy new equipment they had hangin' around the Jedi Temple. They were usin' plaster-casting droids, scan droids, drug-smelling droids, and they found twenty-seven very small mysterious markings of circles and arrows and a paragraph on the side of the dart explaining what the dart was in a language we had never heard of. They found markings on the back end, the pointy part, right-hand side, left-hand side, and that's not counting the invisible markings.

After the ordeal, they have me back the dart. The droids said they didn't know where it had come from. Said, "Kid, we don't know where this comes from. It doesn't show up on our scans."

And I said, "Well, I can understand it not showin' up here-- so we don't have any method of tracing the dart-- but who do you think might help me?"

The droid said, "Kid... I just work with the Archives."

I said, "Well then, I guess I know where I'm gonna go for this information." I said I was just makin' sure, and friends, that I was, 'cause I went out to Coco Town so I could find out myself where the dart was from, and I went into Dex' Diner so he could trace the bounty hunter to his hideout so that he wouldn't have an escape.

I was just makin' sure.

And it was about four or five minutes later that Dex-- remeber Dex? It's a song about Dex. Dex came out and, with a few cups of his jawa juice on the side, helped me out. He just looked at the dart, said it came from an Outer-Rim planted well-known for its clones, and I was real glad until the next morning, when I tried to find it in the Archives.

I walked in. Sat down. Took a good look at the twenty-seven very small mysterious markings of circles and arrows and a paragraph on the side of the dart, set it down. A screen came up, said, "Not found."

So I stood up and picked up the dart with the twenty-seven very small mysterious markings, Jocasta Nu walked up, sat down at the researchin' droid, and she sat down. I sat down.

And she looked at the researchin' droid and then at the twenty-seven very small mysterious markings of circles and arrows and a paragraph on the side of the dart. And looked at the researchin' droid. And then at the twenty-seven very small mysterious markings of circles and arrows and a paragraph on the side of the dart, and began to cry. Then she said to go away because if it's not in the Archives then that planet does not exist and there wasn't a thing she could do about it. And she didn't wanna hear about the twenty-seven very small mysterious markings of circles and arrows and a paragraph on the side of the dart explaining what the dart was in a language we had never heard of. And so I found Master Yoda and had to ask some youngling where to go.

But... that's not what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the clones.

Got a planet by the Rishi Maze-- it's called Kamino-- where you walk in and get detected, collected, inspected, directed, corrected, and perfected. I went out to get my dangerous paid assassin one day, and I sat down. I got good and wet on the way in so I could look and feel my best when I entered the building. 'Cause I wanted to look like the all-professional Knight from Coruscant. Man, I wanted to feel like... I wanted to _be_ the all-professional Jedi Knight, and I walked in and sat down. I was stared down, glared down, summed up, and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things, and I walked in, I sat down. An alien girl named Taun We said, "Kid, go see the prime minister, room 604."

And I... I went up there.

He said, "Well... we've got your clones. I mean, we've got your... we've got your clones. Clones. An army of... an army of lots and lots and lots and lots of one guy. For the Republic. I mean, clones. Clones! CLONES! CLONES!" And he was jumping up and down, yelling, "Clones! Clones!" and I started jumping up and down, and we were both jumping up and down yelling, "Clones! Clones!" Then Taun We came over, showed me Jango Fett, along with his clone son; I thought, "That's my guy."

I had a bad feeling about it.

I proceeded to fight Jango, gettin' more inspections, directions, detections, corrections, and all kinds of stuff that they were doin' to me in the fight there, and I chased them through two asteroids... three asteroids... four asteroids. I chased them for a long time, goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things, and I was just havin' a tough time there. And they were detectin' and correctin' every move I made and they were leavin' no part unscathed.

Proceeded through, and then I... I finally tracked them to Geonosis. I landed... landed, got caught after a whole big thing there. Dooku walked up, I said, "What do ya want?"

And he said, "Kid, I've only got one question: Do you wanna be a Separatist?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of Dex's Diner on Coruscant with full orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff like that, and then on the finale he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did ya know the Sith are back?"

I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven very small mysterious markings of circles and arrows and a paragraph on the side of the dart, he stopped me right there and said, "Kid... I want you to be chained to a pole in that arena that says 'Execution.'

"Now, kid!"

And I... I chained up to the... to the pole, there. The arena is where they put you if you may not be moral enough to go on living after committin' your special crime. And there were all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly-lookin' people there to watch. They had me out there, Padmé there... and _Anakin_. Anakin chained up right there on the pole next to me! And then there were mean and nasty and ugly and horrible and large killer beasts coming out to the poles. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one-- the meanest killer beast of them all-- was coming over to me, and he was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible and all kinds of things, and Anakin was next to me, said, "Well... what do we do?"

I said, "We don't do anything. We have to wait for the Jedi and buy time with the Force."

He said, "We came out here to rescue you," and I said, "Wonderful." Then they all moved away from me when I broke free in the arena. I fought all kinds of mean, nasty things 'til they said, "Now you're surrounded."

Then the Jedi came, saved our skins, and we had a great time in the fight, crushin' battle droids. Master Windu, Master Yoda... They brought these groovy clones and we were crushin' battle droids in the fight, and everything was fine. We were wavin' our lightsabers and all kinds of things until Count Dooku came over.

Had a saber in his hand. Held it up and said, "Kids... this Sith apprentice has eight-seven-years, thirty-as-a-Master, left-the-Order, and-now-I-know-the-details-of-the-Sith-'bout-the-rise-of-the-Sith-and-every-other-kind-of-thing-that-you-wanna-know-pertainin'-to-and-about-the-Sith, I-know-how-to-use-the-dark-side-and-make-lightning-and-any-other-kind-of-way-to-make-you-die--" and he talked for four of five minutes, and none of us understood a word that he said, but we had fun fightin' in the duel and watchin' Master Yoda kick his butt there.

I sang Yoda "Dex's Diner" with the four-part harmony and told the Council just like it was and everything was fine. And they started the Clone War and returned to the Jedi Temple, and there... there in the Council room... in the middle of the Council room... away from everyone else in the Council room... in a relieved voice... watching the sunset... to Yoda... said the following:

"Well, with the clone force it was a victory."

I looked over at the Master. He said, "Obi-Wan, you've got a lotta damn gall to tell me that a victory, it was. I mean... I _mean_... I MEAN, I'm sittin' here in the Temple... I mean, I'm sittin' here in the Jedi Temple and you're tellin' me that with the clone troops we won that battle when Anakin's on Naboo, the Sith are back, and begun, this Clone War has."

I looked at him. Said, "Well... look on the bright side. I don't think they're gonna kill off all the Jedi Knights."

And, friends, somewhere on Coruscant, enclosed in a great big Senate office, was a Sith Lord planning an Empire and a Jedi Purge. And the only reason I'm singin' you this song now is because you might know somebody in a similar situation. Or you may _be_ in a similar situation, and if you're in a situation like that they only thing you can do is walk up to the Sith wherever you are. Just walk up and say, "Darth..."

(singing)

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

And walk off.

You know, if one Jedi-- just one Jedi does it, they may think he's going nuts and they won't kill him. And if two Jedi...two Jedi do it--in harmony-- they may cut off both their arms, but they won't kill either of 'em. And if three Jedi do it... three-- can ya imagine three Jedi walkin' up, singin' a bar of "Dex's Diner" and walkin' off? They may think it's an organization! And can you... can you imagine fifty Jedi a day... I said fifty Jedi a day, walkin' up, singin' a bar of "Dex's Diner" and walkin' off? Then, friends, they may thing it's a movement.

And that's what it is. The Dex's Diner Anti-Jedi Purge Movement. And all ya gotta do to join is sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar. With feelin'. So, we'll wait 'til it comes around on the guitar, here, and sing it when it does. Here it comes.

(singing)

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

Walk right in, it's in Coco Town

Pass the CG offices and then look down

And you can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

That was horrible. If ya wanna end war and stuff, ya gotta sing loud. I've been sittin' on Tatooine for eighteen years. I could sit here for another eighteen years. I'm not proud. Or tired.

So we'll wait 'til it comes around again, and this time with four-part harmony and feelin'. We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doin'. All right now...

(singing)

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

(Exceptin' Dexter) 

You can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

Walk right in, it's in Coco Town

Pass the CG offices and then look down

And you can get anything you want

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant

At Dex's Diner on Coruscant


End file.
